Criticism in Marriage
I debated whether or not to write this post...
My life has been deeply touched by critical people. Not people who offer critique but demeaning CRITICISM. And I was scared that if I wrote this, some of them would read it and attack me and if you know a critic, you know their attacks are painful.
But, nevertheless, I felt my soul telling me it needed to be written for these 3 reasons:
1.) TO SHINE A LIGHT ON DARKNESS- Criticism can be hidden well. True critics can and will disguise their judgments as "truth." They gossip about the flaws of others and call it "venting." They focus on faults in everything and everyone holding everyone to their impossible high standards in the name of "perfectionism." They intimidate others by speaking down to them, making them feel inferior in the name of "helping them." And I do not believe that living life through this distorted lens is okay. I do not believe that simply not verbalizing criticisms is enough. It's a heart issue and that is where the change needs to occur.
2.) TO GIVE HOPE & CONFIRMATION- If you are married to or have any sort of relationship with someone you would describe as "critical." READ THIS BLOG! There are more options than lashing out in anger or saying nothing. Criticism in marriage (or any relationship) is toxic but there are ways to remove it. I wanted to let you know how from my own personal story.
3.) TO GIVE FREEDOM- If you are a critic yourself. Please know that I am not trying to attack you, call you a failure, hurt you, diminishing your worth, trying to make you feel unimportant, unworthy, or wrong. Instead, I want to give you freedom. Freedom from conflict in your relationship. Freedom from that inner monologue in your brain full of negatives at all time. Freedom to live a truly joyful life. Freedom to see the beauty in every single person and every single thing. Freedom from the perfectionism that plagues you. Freedom from your fear of never being good enough.
And as I wrote this blog post, I covered it in prayer. I encourage you critics and non-critics alike to sit down and read this entire post, NOT skim it. Digest it. Chew on it. And above all, approach it with a heart of humility.
Oh critics… I’m married to one. I’m friends with some. I’m the parent of one. Honestly, i’m surrounded by these people. But before we proceed, let me point out one major truth that you need to understand…
CRITICISM and CRITIQUE are NOT the same thing!
How do you know if you or your spouse is one? Well, you probably already know. But just in case you’ve never known anything different, here’s a little checklist for you!
These are the people who look at something and INSTANTLY see the flaws.
Sometimes when you are with them it feels like they are the teacher and you are the student leaving you feeling inferior.
If you had to choose five words to describe this person, critical would definitely be one of them.
You often feel defensive around this person
Even if you think things are good, this person will find a problem.
They tend to be perfectionists and have incredibly high standards for those they are closest to.
They want things done a certain way and aren’t really afraid to insert themselves into situations and make sure they are done “right.”
Sometimes it seems like they are bossy and judgmental and sometimes they actually are.
Critics are all different. At one end of the spectrum we have critics who suffer from a fragile self-esteem and therefore they put everyone else down. At the other end we have the critic who feels genuinely responsible for everyone’s welfare. These arewh the critics who butt in when they aren’t welcome even though it comes from a sincere place.
But it all comes down to this… Critics are exhausting. They claim their criticism is “constructive” and that everyone else is “overly sensitive.” But really THEY are the ones who are exasperating everyone around them.
why are they like this?
It’s hard to remain objective about their personality. As someone who is an optimistic realist I cannot figure out for the life of me why these people can’t just see the good. Why are their hearts so negative? Why can’t they just change?
But it turns out, it’s a wee bit harder than just deciding to change. In fact, psychologists have studied the brain of critics and concluded that the mind of a critic shares features of someone of an addiction. Just like an alcoholic can’t stop drinking, they can’t stop criticizing.
My entire first year of marriage was spent combating criticism. He didn’t like the way I drove or parked. If I did something nice and loaded the dishwasher or took the trash out, instead of hearing “thank you,” I would hear something along the lines of, “thanks BUT next time could you do it like…..” It felt like he could never just be thankful. He could never just SEE THE GOOD.
The criticism was exhausting and it was beginning to wear on our relationship. So we sat down and chatted about this issue (MORE THAN ONCE!). And here’s what I discovered about the heart of a critic…
They think they are helping…
A lot of times they think they’re being helpful! While these seems crazy to the rest of us, critics feel that by showing people their faults they are helping them.
They want to solve problems…
Critics are typically natural problem solvers. They enjoy finding solutions to things that aren’t working well or aren’t working as well as they could. The problem is this… when they blurt out their solutions, it ends up sounding more critical than helpful. For example, “You know… some weed killer would really take care of the problem in your yard.” Or even, “I can’t believe you don’t have an extension cord on this thing…”
just being honest…
Sometimes, especially in marriage, critics will disguise their critiques as “just be open and honest” just “venting.”
It’s how they were raised…
Sometimes people are hyper-critical because their parents were. Whether it was listening to their mom “vent” about how hard it was to make ends meet, their dads alcoholism, resentment towards (fill in the blank). Or worse, these kids were criticized themselves by parents, caretakers, or peers. As a result of hearing these complaints constantly as a child, they now also have a constant running monologue in their own heads littered with judgment and criticism of themselves and/or others.
ego-defense
Psychologist Steven Stosny, Ph.D. states, “They keep doing it because criticism is an easy form of ego defense. We don’t criticize because we disagree with a behavior or an attitude. We criticize because we somehow feel devalued by the behavior or attitude. Critical people tend to be easily insulted and especially in need of ego defense.” Full article found below.
But no matter what the cause of their criticism is, here are my tips for coping with this type of relationship!
Coping with Critics in marriage
So, now that you understand the mind of critic a little better. What do we do about? How do we handle someone who isn’t even aware that they are being critical? How do we be in a relationship with someone who refuses to see who they are and what they are doing? How do we be married to a person like this?
Look Inward: allllll of us have a little critic in us. Whether we we are nagging someone about something, criticism our parents for the way they parented, or criticizing a fellow parent for how they are raising their child…. WE’VE all been there and it’s helpful to acknowledge this fact.
Empathy: I know, I know, why should you have empathy for someone who has none? But when we put ourselves in the critics shoes and realize WHY they are the way that they are… it helps us be a LOT more patient and understanding. Also, as harsh as critics are with others, they are even more harsh on themselves (even if they never acknowledge it out loud). Sometimes this person learning to openly accept their own imperfections can dramatically improve how they view others.
Stay Objective: This is superrrrrr hard but absolutely necessary. Resist the temptation to:
be insecure-Take what they say personally! Sometimes, we magnify what people say to us by interjecting our own insecurities into their statement. Ensure that you didn’t take an innocent comment as condemnation. Learn to logically separate the good from the bad.
criticize back- Lashing out at them isn’t going to change their behavior. Instead, it will just make them retaliate with defensiveness and attack you right back in a deeper and more hurtful way. Instead, recognize that their criticism is stemming from their OWN weaknesses and this will help protect your self-esteem.
be silent- Being silent won’t change their behavior! Instead, they interpret your silence as acceptance and they criticize even more because they assume they’re being helpful!
dismiss: honestly ask yourself if there is any truth in their criticism.
Be Aware: Figure out how it is that you are “coping” with their criticism. Do you get defensive, drink, work late, watch tv, withdraw, distancing yourself, binge eating, seeking love elsewhere, etc.? Be aware of this and combat this. You coping with their criticism in an unhealthy way is only going to make things worse.
approaching a critic about their criticism
Sometimes we can avoid critical people. But when we are married to one, working with one, or parenting one… that isn’t the case. So how can we actively stop destructive criticism in it’s path?
Acknowledgment: A persons ability to recognize the problem is the first step to overcoming it. And its the same with critics, my husbands ability to acknowledge that he has a naturally critical spirit was step one to change! I’ll tell you more about how to approach these types of people below. But right now, I want you to know that change is possible. My husband was genuinely sorry, we both now know that kind words are more likely to trigger change than critical ones.
Emotions: Be brave and summon the courage to respond to your critic calmly. Maintain respect for that person while also standing up for yourself. Don’t blame them or demean them. Instead, clearly communicate how their criticism is hurtful to you and to others and that you will not be tolerating it. Be prepared to offer proof. They are going to want you to back up your words with specific behaviors. Remain calm. Give them examples.
The reason this works is because by communicating how them being critical is making you feel, you aren’t blaming them. Rather, you are owning your emotion and being specific about what you want from the person instead of criticism.
Proof: In addition to calming communicating how his criticisms made me feel, I found another effective tact was showing him proof!
Because of the fact that critics have logical brains, I found that showing him scientific studies about how when human beings hear criticism, their first instinct is to defend themselves, NOT change. It helped him understand.
If your spouse has acknowledged that they have a naturally more critical personality, discuss this fact with them in a non-defensive or attacking way.
If they don’t accept this scientific fact from you, try letting it them hear it from someone else. A podcast, a scientific journal article, a therapist, a TED talk. Check out my resources below.
Test: If you have a hard time getting your significant other, or yourself, to admit that you’re a critic try this activity from Neil Lavender, a psychologist. He uses a simple test to determine if someone is in fact addicted to criticism. He tells the couple that for one week they are not allowed to offer any criticism at all to their spouse. One of them will find this easy because they were simply offering advice. While the other one the person who is the critic is forced to admit that they couldn’t stop and must acknowledge themselves as the critic.
Sharing Withholds: This is something we learned in our pre-marital counseling. At the end of each day you say, “I like that you did _________________________.” Followed by, “I didn’t like that you did ________________________.” Followed by, “I like that you did _____________________________.” So it goes, Compliment, Criticism, Compliment. And each of you get a turn. Now, the tricky part is, neither of you get to respond to the other persons complaint. What I found was, this limited my husbands complaints to one thing and only at one time of the day.
is it criticism justified?
The truth is, in relationships, criticism is inevitable. Real love DOES actually challenge each other towards growth and both people’s beliefs about how things should be done could be real and valid. And when one of us does something differently than how the other believes we should do it, as humans, we react in the form of criticism. We tell others how to do it the “right” way.
A study of 118 married couples who expressed destructive criticism towards each other reports that each person felt higher levels of perceived criticism than when their interactions showed higher levels of constructive criticism. Basically this shows us that how we are feeling about a relationship can affect how we perceive the criticism we receive. That means what we could be perceiving as “going to far” might actually not be “going to far.”
But here’s the thing, in relationships, perception is reality. For example, my parents never showed favorites, they never abused me or treated me any differently than my sisters. I know this. But that doesn’t change the fact that I FELT like a black sheep. Like I was one giant regret. I was the bad child. And even though it wasn’t implicitly stated, my perception of our relationship directly effected how I viewed their regular parental discipline that occurred. I viewed it as demeaning, as favoritism, etc.
If this is happening in your marriage, it’s still important to acknowledge that what you’re doing is being seen as destructive and it STILL needs to be changed. By taking a step back, being objective and truthfully taking your partners feelings into consideration, you can restore your marriage to one that validates both you and your partners self-worth.
Truthfully, criticism in any relationship is hard but in marriage, it’s exceptionally hard! But, I truly believe that if you are both serious about finding healing, it CAN be done. Be persistent and set boundaries. Communicate frequently how you are feeling.
how to stop criticism
in its tracks:
Ok… it happened. They criticized you. Now what do you do. Here is what I have found to be helpful:
for the receiver of criticism
1.) Collect yourself- again, be objective. Pray. Resist the urge to take it personally. Resist the urge to fight back. Resist the urge to apologize immediately. Resist the urge to walk away and ignore it all together.
2.) Look for Truth- this is where I ask myself if there is any truth to what they are saying. What parts of this criticism do I agree with and what do I disagree with?
3.) Communicate- This is the hard part. I admit to any truths in their statement. Apologize for that if necessary. Then, I continue by telling my critic the parts that I disagree with and why… CALMLY and RESPECTFULLY! In this process, you have validated some element of their criticism which will make fighting less likely AND revealed inaccuracies in their statement which has allowed this conversation to move from an opportunity to grow more distant to an opportunity to connect.
****If there is one cool thing that going through this process has given me it’s this. Self-awareness. This process has taught me how to not allow others to influence my worth. It’s taught me to really dig deep and know why I believe what I believe. It has shown me the need for there to be one common moral truth in society. It has made me a better communicator, more confident, and more objective.
for the giver of criticism
1.) Listen: now it’s your turn. Once they respond you have to choose not to get defensive. Acknowledge the parts that they took ownership for and then consider whether your initial criticism was accurate OR just a project based on some other insecurity happening in your life. Find something in their statement to agree with so they can feel validated as well.
2.) Humility: Neither of you is perfect. And your partner hearing about their flaws worsens their feelings of self-worth which makes actual change more difficult. Don’t let yourself become resentful. I’m going to need you to open your eyes and see your criticism for what it is. It’s you projecting your beliefs onto someone else. And regardless of how right you think you are or actually are, your beliefs are not facts. Your partners beliefs might be as equally as right as yours. Things are rarely as black and white as we like to make them. Instead, ask yourself what you can learn from each and every person.
3.) Why?: If you are truly focused on prioritizing this relationship, you need to find out WHY you are criticizing? Which of these feels most applicable:
Distance- You are trying to create emotional distance between the two of you. Maybe you’re afraid they will hurt you so you criticize to protect yourself. Maybe you are are jealous because you feel as though they are more successful than you? Maybe you feel like they are holding you back from living your life in a certain way? Ironically, by criticizing them, you are forcing them to hurt you sooner or later. Don’t try to create distance. Instead, focus on improving your own thoughts, feelings of self-worth and praise them.
Connection- Sometimes we criticize to create connection and feel close to them. This is exactly what happens subconsciously when we look for a common enemy to hate. But building a relationship on hate is not really a good place to start.
Confidence- if someone’s personality is shiny, it’s easy to throw dirt on that to try and get them to lose some of that brightness. If somebody outruns us in a competition that we worked really hard to try and win, it’s easy to find all the reasons why they aren’t as good to make us feel better and less humiliated. But the problem here is, your viewing what happened to you as failure and to them as success, when that’s not the case.
Jealousy- this one is sooooo closely connected to the last one but have a slight difference. As human beings, we don’t like injustice. If we feel as though someone got something in an unfair way, or like life was unkind to us, feelings of jealousy can arise. And when this happens, we try to protect ourselves with “rationalization.” We do this in two ways, we either: (1) make the thing that we want look less desirable because we don’t have it or (2) we make the things that we do have but aren’t as important to us look more desirable. And this is what we do when we feel jealous of others, we try to make their accomplishments look less worthy, make that relationship less important, and what they have irrelevant.
Value: A lot of times people who are critical are very capable and highly organized people and they have zero tolerance for people who are less so. Therefore, they strictly judge and criticize others when they do something wrong OR when they don’t meet their standards. If this is you, more likely than not, you were severely judged in your upbringing and i’m sorry for that. Because of that you set high standards for yourselves and others. But here’s the thing… if you are living life with this mentality, you aren’t acknowledging the fact that people were all made with different gifts and capabilities. You don’t know the things they deal with on a mental or emotional level. Your criticism is now just an indirect form for you to brag about yourself and it will sooner lead to hate than anything.
4.) Help them or get over it: Instead of criticizing them, help them. If you don’t like the way someone manages their time, don’t criticize them. Help them create a schedule to do it better. If you don’t like the way your spouse does something, either you commit to doing it with no help and no complaining or GET OVER IT. There are many ways to achieve the same goal, who says your way is best?
a word for both of you
Each time criticism occurs you both have a choice. You can fight to be right or you can practice being vulnerable. The process of taking someone’s criticism about us and objectively look at it requires vulnerability. You both have to OWN YOUR OWN FLAWS and let your partner see that too.
Nobody likes feeling exposed! Nobody wants to admit that they made a mistake. That they were wrong. But also, NOBODY GAINS ANYTHING FROM CRITICISM.
One of you feels devalued and it creates distance and decreases the odds of the success of your relationship and the capacity to love. But by choosing to be openly vulnerable, you’re choosing whether or not your marriage has a future at all. Because your response to these situations time after time will change the direction and tone of not just the conversation but the entire relationship.
BEWARE
But also, know this… if that person still disrespects your limits, it might be time to seek professional help.
If your personality and character are a target of their attacks
If their criticisms are dripping with blame
If they are not focused on improvement
If their criticisms are based on only one “right way” to do things.
It’s possible that their constant criticism has turned into a form of emotional abuse and THAT IS NOT OKAY! Reach out to a counselor. If your spouse won’t go with you, go alone. Do NOT allow yourself or your children to be treated this way.
Remember, you are a valuable person. Everyone has faults. Everyone has room to grow.
