Deep Conversation Starters- Marriage Edition
It’s Friday night, the kids are in bed and MAN has it been a WEEK! Driving kids to practices, unexpected Dr. appointments, insomnia one night, baby not sleeping the next, paying bills, cleaning up, going to work, disciplining and training kids. Frankly, your exhausted.
This is how my husband and I felt a few months ago and many times before that.
In marriage, communicating is necessary. And yet, somehow it feels like there’s no time for that. We have essentially just become out-of-breath roommates who run around trying to catch up on schedules. We’re always in a hurry and there’s always so much to do. And when we aren’t rushing through our own to-do lists you can find us trying to accomplish that of our children’s. And by the time it’s all said and done… we’re exhausted.
And while we know that marriage requires communication, that doesn’t keep us from grabbing our phone and scrolling Facebook, binge watching another Netflix show, or each doing our own thing whenever we DO have the time to connect.
But here’s a little something my own husband and I have found to be true…
if we don’t make time to talk, it will never happen.
A good conversation with your husband doesn’t happen when we are living our lives at lightening speed. And because my goal with my photo biz is to challenge families and couples to STAY INVESTED in one another and resist that cultural temptation to mentally check out… Here’s what I’m challenging you to do.
PAUSE
Feeling the need to be doing all the time is a sickness… and it’s one that I struggle with often. But recently I had a concussion that forced me to stop doing my work for about two weeks and you know what I learned… IT’S OKAY. It’s okay if my kids aren’t enrolled in ALL the sports available to them. It’s okay if she misses gymnastics to hang out with me. It’s okay if the table is covered in stickers, crayons, and paper. It’s okay if someone drops by unexpectedly and the house is a disaster. It’s okay to not check for your phone first thing in the morning. It’s okay to not respond to text messages and phone calls immediately. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to postpone. It’s okay to cancel. IT IS OKAY!
So I want you to intentionally take a moment EACH DAY this week with your partner and pause together.
NO KIDS ALLOWED
Is it important for kids to know they aren’t the center of the world and to hear their parents communicate? Yes, but let’s be real. Sometimes, we can’t dive deep when children are present. Especially when they are young. The entire thing will end with you feeling discouraged and frustrated because you either didn’t get to finish what you were saying or you can’t remember because you’ve been interrupted so many times. So make sure you take these pause moments when children aren’t going to be present. Whether they are in bed or with a sitter, either way works.
NO DISTRACTIONS
I’m a verbal processor. Which means sometimes, I don’t know what the problem is until I’m saying it allowed. So I find that when my hubby and I need to realign, it’s best to be a place where distractions aren’t happening. No TV, no Phone, No waitresses asking if we want a refill, No mopping floors or doing dishes. Just me, him, and our words. Relaxing, looking, listening.
DIVE DEEP
Sometimes in conversations with my hubby, it takes a second for us to get to the good stuff. We have to get past the “How are you?” “Fine.” level AND the “facts and information” level. The level we want to be in for GOOD communication to happen is the “feelings level.” Where we can thoughtfully speak our mind and know that understanding and acceptance can occur.
ESTABLISH A RULEBOOK
We all typically fall into the same pitfalls when it comes to communicating. Defensiveness, Blaming, Advice-Giving, Easily Offended, Accusation Throwing, Mean Tone of Voice, Response Time. Take some time to lay out as a couple the rules for when you guys have these conversations. For example, No giving advice unless it’s asked for.
NOT SURE WHAT TO SAY?
Sometimes we sit down and we are so brain dead from our day to day life we don’t know what to say in order TO connect. So, I’ve made a list of prompts for you guys to go through. Each of you pick one, start with that, and see where the conversations take you. Remember, focus on feelings… not facts.
If your roles were reversed, how would life for you be easier?
Over the course of your entire relationship, when do you recall missing your spouse the most?
What is something that used to bother you about your partner that you now appreciate?
How does your spouse help you restore your energy specifically?
If your spouse were a professor of marriage, what would the topic be of their most popular “lecture?”
In what way are you and your partners personalities alike and how does this contribute toward your relationship?
In what way are you and your partners personalities different and how does this contribute toward your relationship?
If you had one hour a day of uninterrupted time with your partner, how would you spend it?
What helps you to cool off in the midst of conflict?
What would be the perfect way for your partner to wake you up in the morning?
On a scale of 1 to 10, how likely are you to give your partner the benefit of the doubt?
What are some ways your relationship has specifically benefited you and your life that you wouldn’t have received if you had stayed single?
What is your number one emotional need right now and how can your spouse support it?
What causes predictable stress in your relationship?
Of the two of you, who is more resistant to change and why?
What is one say you can say or do to always get a laugh out of your partner?
How does each of you respond to disappointment? What could you learn from your partner about responding to disappointment?
How does each of you respond to pain (emotional & physical)? What could you learn from your partner about responding to pain?
What is one specific way in the last month that the two of you have spent quality time together?
If you were to create a tailor made greeting that your spouse would give to you at the end of the day what would it be?
If you were to go without tv, social media, etc. for one week, which of you would experience withdrawal pains the most? What do you think you both would learn from a fast from these things?
How do you feel about friendships of the opposite sex? Is it possible to be “just friends?” Do you think that once you are married, specific boundaries should be set regarding the opposite sex? If so, what are they?
As as couple if you could do anything you wanted as a team and were guaranteed not to fail, what would it be?
How did your identity change after you got married?
When does your partner look the most sexy to you?
What interferes the most with you guys spending quality time together and what could you do to prevent it?
Name two ways that your spouse has made you a better person in the last 12 months.